Sometimes when my friends complain about their problems, I just don't understand. The solution to a problem has always been pretty easy for me to figure out. When you are dealing with your own happiness, your heart always knows the right answer. It may be buried down under impulse decisions and temporary relief, but the answers are always there. All you have to do is try. Usually, problems are something you created or had participation in creating and are easily fixed. People are dealt shitty hands, and sometimes we have no control over them. And sometimes, us people with shitty hands are tired of hearing about your unnecessary issues. We would trade for them any day.
I know that I'm not much to be around lately, but I'm trying to be okay with that. Should I be okay with that? I know that I'm facing a wide range of emotions and everyone deals with their problems differently. I know that my life has been a battle I've always won, and I've never backed down to a fight... but some days, I can hardly lift my head from the pillow. Some days, I can't even look in the mirror. Some days, all I need is a friend.
I say that I'm trying to be okay with it because this separation is inevitable. During the first few weeks, I probably won't answer calls. I won't exercise. I'll eat whatever my sad heart desires. I'm trying to be ready for it. I'm already losing strength. But something in me says, "SHUT UP!" Why am I accepting defeat and sadness when it doesn't have to be that way? Maybe I give up too easily. Maybe this won't be that bad.
Before he started training, I was a little bit excited. I had a good job that I loved and I had a brand new goal list. When we came back from our road trip, I was broke and he was gone a lot. I didn't have anything to look forward to and all I could think is that there's this big, beautiful world out there and I'm still living inside the house I grew up in, and in the town that I cannot stand. Who says I can't still travel or see new things? Develop new and better friendships? My whole life, I've been dying to get out of this town/state but I have no real reasons to hate it. I have friends here, some who I've known since middle school, and that's a good feeling.
South Carolina is actually a beautiful place, and maybe I would know more about that if I got off my ass and explored instead of staying in my house crying about it. I don't really know where I'm going with this. I want it to be a promise to stop sulking and feeling sorry for myself, to take active steps in ensuring my happiness, to remember that I've got so much to be thankful for. I've just had some feelings I needed to get off my chest and somehow it makes me feel a little better to post it for the world to see.
*These photos are part of a set of beautiful wedding photos found here.*
